Friday, May 27, 2011
Is it wrong?
Is it wrong, that I feel ashamed? I don't have that emotion, very often. But right now, I feel ashamed. Ashamed for the things I'm doing and the way I'm acting. Is it wrong? I kind of like it. Strange, I know. But I like it. I guess because I know it's wrong, but it feels so god damn good to be bad.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Lost
Im so deep in shit right now that my kneecaps are like the tips of a well endowed homosexual penis. Where are you superman?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
World So Cold
It's cold, wet, and raining outside. It's my kind of day. A day where i can actually get some sleep during the day.
I miss my baby :/ I hate these long stretches apart from him... but it's how i have to do it for right now...
I miss my baby :/ I hate these long stretches apart from him... but it's how i have to do it for right now...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Granddaddy
My Grandfather, Charlie Currin Watson, was the greatest man who ever lived. He taught me how to love and appreciate everything you have, because life is too short, and you should celebrate life and everything in it.
Let me tell you a little bit about my Grandfather. He was in the Air Force before it was even the Air Force, and he met my Grandmother, whom I'm named after, when he was 18 and they got married on an air force base in Virginia. Together my Grandparents made four beautiful girls, Charlene, Brenda and Glenda, and the youngest being my mother, Joy. They raised them on a nursery, they didn't have a lot of money, but they made it work, and gave my aunts and my mom the best life they could have ever asked for. A long time down the road my mom brings us into the world. My grandfather and my grandmother, other than my father, are the first people to hold me and my brother. My grandfather told me I was a quiet baby, and I did a lot of looking around and observing.
Throughout my life, Charlie put up with a lot. Like when my car broke down he helped me get it fixed, even though I took it to a crooked repair man, he still paid for it, but he taught me a lesson from it. My entire life he taught me a lesson on how to be a good person, and to treat people right. He's probably partially the reason why I'm the way I am now. We had a family reunion one year, and I remember hearing him tell everyone how I was his favorite grandchild, out of all of the grandchildren he had! There had to be atleast 25 of us!
When Charlie was 85 years old, he started to get very sick. He was taken to the hospital, and they diagnosed him with Lukemia. He had been very sick in the past, and he turned down the option for treatment. He said that he was too old, and if it was his time, it was his time. Over the next year he became very sick, and stopped leaving the house. My mom began to spend the night at his house, sleeping on an air mattress on the floor next to his hospital bed in the living room.
What I am ashamed of the most, is the entire time I knew he was sick, my Mom kept on telling me, "you need to go see your grandfather, Kaitlyn. We don't know how much longer he has." and she kept on saying it and saying it, but I just never went. I was so scared. The man I loved so much was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it. Finally I went to go see him. I kept my head down the entire time, I was ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't even recognize my Granddad, the man who used to sit out on the dock with me and my brothers and fish with us. I remember the last time I saw him. When I was leaving, I kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him. He started to cry. My grandfather, the strongest man I know, cried.
About two weeks after that, I woke up to find my mom lieing in her bed. I went into her room and asked...
"Mom, why are you home?" Because she had been spending the night every night at their house. I don't know why I asked, I knew already that it had happened, I just didn't want to accept it.
"Well... Daddy passed away last night... Probably around 2:30.."
I went over to the bed and sat down on it, and she sat up.
"Was everyone there?"
"Yes, they were. We were all there, and we held hands, and said a prayer, and said our goodbyes, and he just stopped breathing... We called the home health nurse and the funeral home... and... here I am now."
My mom was crying now. I couldn't say anything. I put my arms around my mom, and I cried.
The next time I cried was at the funeral, several days later. My best friend, Sarah, was there with me. I thank God every day that she's back in my life now. She held my hand and she cried for me. I tried to look strong for my family, I didn't even cry during the service. What made me cry the hardest was watch my family carry his casket out to the cemetery, from the church i'd been going to my entire life. It was amazing, how many people showed up. The entire church was filled up to the point of where people were standing in the back and flowing out the back door People who had barely even met my Grandfather were there, and they waited outside while the service was being held. He died four days before my birthday in September, so it was a moderate temperature. The day was beautiful, which is what he would have wanted, but in my world everything was gray. They did the graveside service, and everyone got up to mingle amongst each other.
For some reason, I saw my brother's best friend, Logan, and all I could say was "You came." before I put my arms around him and started crying. Logan, the biggest tough asshole, whose always been an asshole to me, put his arms around me and hugged me. LOGAN hugged me. He soothed me, and in his arms is where I felt the most comforted. For the weirdest reason, I don't think i'll ever understand why. I never harbored any kind of emotions for Logan other than acknowledging his existence in my life, but for that moment, he was there for me.
Even in death, Charlie brought me hope. Hope that the future will be brighter, and that this too, shall pass. The grief that I feel, even almost three years since he passed away.
Man, it hurts so bad to cry. But it feels so good. I haven't cried in so long.
I love you Granddaddy, I hope you read this and smile up in heaven where I have absolutely no doubt in my mind you are, and forgive me for not being with you more when you were sick, I love you.
Let me tell you a little bit about my Grandfather. He was in the Air Force before it was even the Air Force, and he met my Grandmother, whom I'm named after, when he was 18 and they got married on an air force base in Virginia. Together my Grandparents made four beautiful girls, Charlene, Brenda and Glenda, and the youngest being my mother, Joy. They raised them on a nursery, they didn't have a lot of money, but they made it work, and gave my aunts and my mom the best life they could have ever asked for. A long time down the road my mom brings us into the world. My grandfather and my grandmother, other than my father, are the first people to hold me and my brother. My grandfather told me I was a quiet baby, and I did a lot of looking around and observing.
Throughout my life, Charlie put up with a lot. Like when my car broke down he helped me get it fixed, even though I took it to a crooked repair man, he still paid for it, but he taught me a lesson from it. My entire life he taught me a lesson on how to be a good person, and to treat people right. He's probably partially the reason why I'm the way I am now. We had a family reunion one year, and I remember hearing him tell everyone how I was his favorite grandchild, out of all of the grandchildren he had! There had to be atleast 25 of us!
When Charlie was 85 years old, he started to get very sick. He was taken to the hospital, and they diagnosed him with Lukemia. He had been very sick in the past, and he turned down the option for treatment. He said that he was too old, and if it was his time, it was his time. Over the next year he became very sick, and stopped leaving the house. My mom began to spend the night at his house, sleeping on an air mattress on the floor next to his hospital bed in the living room.
What I am ashamed of the most, is the entire time I knew he was sick, my Mom kept on telling me, "you need to go see your grandfather, Kaitlyn. We don't know how much longer he has." and she kept on saying it and saying it, but I just never went. I was so scared. The man I loved so much was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it. Finally I went to go see him. I kept my head down the entire time, I was ashamed. Ashamed that I couldn't even recognize my Granddad, the man who used to sit out on the dock with me and my brothers and fish with us. I remember the last time I saw him. When I was leaving, I kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him. He started to cry. My grandfather, the strongest man I know, cried.
About two weeks after that, I woke up to find my mom lieing in her bed. I went into her room and asked...
"Mom, why are you home?" Because she had been spending the night every night at their house. I don't know why I asked, I knew already that it had happened, I just didn't want to accept it.
"Well... Daddy passed away last night... Probably around 2:30.."
I went over to the bed and sat down on it, and she sat up.
"Was everyone there?"
"Yes, they were. We were all there, and we held hands, and said a prayer, and said our goodbyes, and he just stopped breathing... We called the home health nurse and the funeral home... and... here I am now."
My mom was crying now. I couldn't say anything. I put my arms around my mom, and I cried.
The next time I cried was at the funeral, several days later. My best friend, Sarah, was there with me. I thank God every day that she's back in my life now. She held my hand and she cried for me. I tried to look strong for my family, I didn't even cry during the service. What made me cry the hardest was watch my family carry his casket out to the cemetery, from the church i'd been going to my entire life. It was amazing, how many people showed up. The entire church was filled up to the point of where people were standing in the back and flowing out the back door People who had barely even met my Grandfather were there, and they waited outside while the service was being held. He died four days before my birthday in September, so it was a moderate temperature. The day was beautiful, which is what he would have wanted, but in my world everything was gray. They did the graveside service, and everyone got up to mingle amongst each other.
For some reason, I saw my brother's best friend, Logan, and all I could say was "You came." before I put my arms around him and started crying. Logan, the biggest tough asshole, whose always been an asshole to me, put his arms around me and hugged me. LOGAN hugged me. He soothed me, and in his arms is where I felt the most comforted. For the weirdest reason, I don't think i'll ever understand why. I never harbored any kind of emotions for Logan other than acknowledging his existence in my life, but for that moment, he was there for me.
Even in death, Charlie brought me hope. Hope that the future will be brighter, and that this too, shall pass. The grief that I feel, even almost three years since he passed away.
Man, it hurts so bad to cry. But it feels so good. I haven't cried in so long.
I love you Granddaddy, I hope you read this and smile up in heaven where I have absolutely no doubt in my mind you are, and forgive me for not being with you more when you were sick, I love you.
Friday, March 25, 2011
What's Wrong With Me?
Have you ever woken up one day and wondered what in the world are you doing with your life? I fell asleep watching The Batman Movie, you know, the one with Adam West as Batman and Cesar Romero as The Joker? Yeah, that one. Shouldn't I be doing something more productive with my life? Like, I don't know, donating blood, or saving kittens, or some shit like that. Or even exercising, because everyone knows my fat ass could use some.
You know I do good things, I excel at what I do, I'm a good Healthcare Technician, I really do care about my patients, and i'm more attentive than any of the lazy assholes I work with, but you know what I get in return for my kindness? I get treated like I worship the devil. I get made fun of, teased, and relentlessly picked on. Why the fuck do I try so hard at being a good person, at being a nice person, if I only get shoved down and pushed into the dirt.
Everyone's supposed to have a breaking point, but when am I going to meet mine? What is it going to take to gain the respect of my coworkers? Fuck all of them.
And fuck Fry too. What makes him think he can be so god damn smarmy to me? "It's good to use your brains." Fuck you you skinny smart ass. Hans can kiss my fat pasty white ass too. " Dated any losers recently?" No, dated any crazy bitches? Why do I surround myself in assholes?
You know I do good things, I excel at what I do, I'm a good Healthcare Technician, I really do care about my patients, and i'm more attentive than any of the lazy assholes I work with, but you know what I get in return for my kindness? I get treated like I worship the devil. I get made fun of, teased, and relentlessly picked on. Why the fuck do I try so hard at being a good person, at being a nice person, if I only get shoved down and pushed into the dirt.
Everyone's supposed to have a breaking point, but when am I going to meet mine? What is it going to take to gain the respect of my coworkers? Fuck all of them.
And fuck Fry too. What makes him think he can be so god damn smarmy to me? "It's good to use your brains." Fuck you you skinny smart ass. Hans can kiss my fat pasty white ass too. " Dated any losers recently?" No, dated any crazy bitches? Why do I surround myself in assholes?
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Humor Me
Again, trying to waste some time before I gotta go to work.
Im really irritated about my cellphone, it never seems to work when I need it to. And for some strange reason the battery gets really hot on it and then stops charging because the battery is either too hot or too cold. Piece of shit.
Most people can't really understand why I love my animals so much. It's because they are symbols of what I have had to do to get to where I am now, and they symbolize hope and eternal love for me.
I had a wonderful time with Josh. He is so... I don't even know the right word to describe it. There is no right word.
Im really nervous about my interview tomorrow, I know i'll do ok, but it's just such a good opportunity. I hope I get it.... WISH ME LUCK! <3
Im really irritated about my cellphone, it never seems to work when I need it to. And for some strange reason the battery gets really hot on it and then stops charging because the battery is either too hot or too cold. Piece of shit.
Most people can't really understand why I love my animals so much. It's because they are symbols of what I have had to do to get to where I am now, and they symbolize hope and eternal love for me.
I had a wonderful time with Josh. He is so... I don't even know the right word to describe it. There is no right word.
Im really nervous about my interview tomorrow, I know i'll do ok, but it's just such a good opportunity. I hope I get it.... WISH ME LUCK! <3
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Smile For the Mother Fucking Camera
I wonder when the inventor of the camera, Johann Zahn, sat at his desk and created the camera, had in his mind what the camera would be used for. I mean, think of all the different things people use the camera for now. To take pictures of families and weddings and all kinds of happy shit, and then there's the people who use them to take photos of dead bodies and of crime scenes. And what about those sick and twisted sonsabitches who use cameras to take pictures of naked women, splayed out on some ugly ass sofa, with their fingers jammed halfway up their girly bits? Those are the people that make me sick.
Death and happiness are two things that are a normal part of life, but porno? Yetch, don't make me sick. I wonder who was the first person to think that that was a good idea.
I have taken a liking to Victorian Post Mortem Photography. Some of the images are very spooky yet surreal. Is that messed up?
I feel kind of depressed for some reason, Im not sure why. I think I just need to get some sleep.
To be completely honest, I'm scared. I read on Josh's blog that they were looking for new houses in Greensboro. I don't know why it scares me, because I love him with all my heart, and I would travel to the ends of the planet for him, but I don't want him to be under the notion that I don't want to be with him or that I'm too far away for him anymore. I would walk to Greensboro if it meant I could see him. I have a new perspective on life because of him and I would be a stupid fucking person if I would let something like distance get in the way of what we have. I can't wait for tomorrow. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll be well on my way to Asheboro, that is if the stupid fucking assholes I work with can manage to get their sorry asses out of bed.
Fuck it, i'm not writing a part of "Inside" today. Cus I don't feel like it.
Death and happiness are two things that are a normal part of life, but porno? Yetch, don't make me sick. I wonder who was the first person to think that that was a good idea.
I have taken a liking to Victorian Post Mortem Photography. Some of the images are very spooky yet surreal. Is that messed up?
I feel kind of depressed for some reason, Im not sure why. I think I just need to get some sleep.
To be completely honest, I'm scared. I read on Josh's blog that they were looking for new houses in Greensboro. I don't know why it scares me, because I love him with all my heart, and I would travel to the ends of the planet for him, but I don't want him to be under the notion that I don't want to be with him or that I'm too far away for him anymore. I would walk to Greensboro if it meant I could see him. I have a new perspective on life because of him and I would be a stupid fucking person if I would let something like distance get in the way of what we have. I can't wait for tomorrow. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll be well on my way to Asheboro, that is if the stupid fucking assholes I work with can manage to get their sorry asses out of bed.
Fuck it, i'm not writing a part of "Inside" today. Cus I don't feel like it.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
It's a Beautiful Day
Listening to: Always - Saliva
Watching: Emergency!
I slept most of the day today. And since I woke up Ive been sitting in the living room with Anah and Matt (My roommate and her boyfriend) and it's been wonderful, until Matt started putting his foot in my face and grossing me out >< I love him to death but he is nasteh.
Im so ready to see Josh on Monday, I have the red dot but hopefully they won't keep me. And if they do, Tara said she'd come in for me at 11 AM. I can dig it. I have a couple of applications pending at Wake Med and hopefully I can get a job at one of those places...
Josh had to tell his ex last night that he was with someone now, and as much as I really wanted him to do it, it still made me feel bad. I don't want to ever have to hurt him or anyone else for that matter, and from what he told me it hurt her pretty bad. I don't like making people sad, even if I don't know that person and that person could potentially be a thorn in my side, or a problem in my relationship. I mean I want to be mean, and be all "What the fuck beeotch? Stay away from MY man, you had your chance." But I just don't have a backbone. Im a fucking pussy.
"Inside"
Watching: Emergency!
I slept most of the day today. And since I woke up Ive been sitting in the living room with Anah and Matt (My roommate and her boyfriend) and it's been wonderful, until Matt started putting his foot in my face and grossing me out >< I love him to death but he is nasteh.
Im so ready to see Josh on Monday, I have the red dot but hopefully they won't keep me. And if they do, Tara said she'd come in for me at 11 AM. I can dig it. I have a couple of applications pending at Wake Med and hopefully I can get a job at one of those places...
Josh had to tell his ex last night that he was with someone now, and as much as I really wanted him to do it, it still made me feel bad. I don't want to ever have to hurt him or anyone else for that matter, and from what he told me it hurt her pretty bad. I don't like making people sad, even if I don't know that person and that person could potentially be a thorn in my side, or a problem in my relationship. I mean I want to be mean, and be all "What the fuck beeotch? Stay away from MY man, you had your chance." But I just don't have a backbone. Im a fucking pussy.
"Inside"
That was when she stopped and looked up.
The world was silent. Not a honking car, not a crying baby, not even the soft chirp of a bird in the small trees planted along the streets of downtown. She put her finger in her ear and tried to clear it out, wondering if she had gone deaf. She called out, and her voice echoed across the empty street. She went to check her watch on her wrist, and it read three oclock. She tapped the screen, trying to see if the battery was operating. It wasn't. She shaded her eyes from the sun to look at the position of it. It looked as if it was about noon.
There appeared to be a thick yellow haze hanging in the air. She closed her eyes tight and then opened them, hoping maybe her eyesight was blurry. This had to be the worst hangover she's ever had. She looked around and reached out, touching a building near her. It was there, solid and firm. It was as if the whole world was put on pause. Dust was thick on the air.
There was not a single living organism in sight.
The world was silent. Not a honking car, not a crying baby, not even the soft chirp of a bird in the small trees planted along the streets of downtown. She put her finger in her ear and tried to clear it out, wondering if she had gone deaf. She called out, and her voice echoed across the empty street. She went to check her watch on her wrist, and it read three oclock. She tapped the screen, trying to see if the battery was operating. It wasn't. She shaded her eyes from the sun to look at the position of it. It looked as if it was about noon.
There appeared to be a thick yellow haze hanging in the air. She closed her eyes tight and then opened them, hoping maybe her eyesight was blurry. This had to be the worst hangover she's ever had. She looked around and reached out, touching a building near her. It was there, solid and firm. It was as if the whole world was put on pause. Dust was thick on the air.
There was not a single living organism in sight.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Let's get this shit started.
Last night while at work, I began to read "Under The Dome" by Stephen King. It's essentially the Simpson's movie, but much more violent. Reading that book, and beginning to write blogs again, makes me want to start writing sci-fi fiction stories again. So I think I'll start writing one... and adding it to my blog every day. Howzat for updates? Eh? EH?! Excited? I know I am. The whole way home I thought about what I wanted to write about, and it finally came to me. It was actually the basis of a text-based RPG that I was involved in a long time ago, and it always stuck with me because it was genius, and I always wondered what would have happened if we had continued the story. Well, that's what i'm going to do. Maybe I can get Josh involved in writing some of it, like alternating stories or summin like that. Or maybe i'll be a selfish little attention-monger and write the whole thing by myself.
Whatever.
"Inside"
Whatever.
"Inside"
Inside
Maria didn't knowhow appropriate waking up in a panic would be for the situation she was in. The reason she was startled into conciousness was the realization that her alarm clock didn't go off. She was supposed to have left for work how long ago? Sitting up in bed and thrashing the covers off of her scrawny legs at the same time, she struggled to gather her thoughts.
What day is it?
What time is it?
Did I feed Oscar last night?
What should I wear?
Fuck it, i'm going to throw these jeans on and get the heck outta dodge.
What day is it?
What time is it?
Did I feed Oscar last night?
What should I wear?
Fuck it, i'm going to throw these jeans on and get the heck outta dodge.
She pulled the t-shirt over her narrow head and slid her flip-flops on. She knew that she would get fussed out at the art store for wearing flip-flops but she was pretty sure that wasn't the only thing that her boss would point out today that was wrong. Unbeknownst to her, that her boss drilling her would the last of her worries at the end of the day. She even ran past the dried up and dusty fish bowl, which when she passed out drunk last night, held a sprite and lively betta fish, without a second glance.
When she exited her apartment building, she plunged her hand into the depth of her pocket, retrieving her cellphone. She pulled out the small cheap pay-as-you-go flip phone and began to dial the numbers. Her phone was dead. She distinctly remembers her phone having a full battery last night when she drunk dialed Jeremiah, surely it couldn't have died over night could it?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Worth it
As I sit here, waiting for my clothes to stop drying in the dryer so I can get ready to go to work, I made a blogspot.
My name is Kait and I live in Raleigh North Carolina, I don't have any children but I have two dogs and two cats that are my world. I'm not married but I'm dating the most wonderful guy in the whole world. I don't worship God and I don't go to church. I have six tattoos and three different peircings, yet I have a full-time job and fully support myself. Surprised?
Sometimes you have to sit back and look at yourself and wonder, how did I get where I am now?
I know how I got where I am. I perservered, and I worked hard, and I struggled. I got hurt a lot, and I suffered, but it's worth it. It's worth it for Josh. For Ginger and Athena, Charles-bigarles, and Logey.
It's worth it.
My name is Kait and I live in Raleigh North Carolina, I don't have any children but I have two dogs and two cats that are my world. I'm not married but I'm dating the most wonderful guy in the whole world. I don't worship God and I don't go to church. I have six tattoos and three different peircings, yet I have a full-time job and fully support myself. Surprised?
Sometimes you have to sit back and look at yourself and wonder, how did I get where I am now?
I know how I got where I am. I perservered, and I worked hard, and I struggled. I got hurt a lot, and I suffered, but it's worth it. It's worth it for Josh. For Ginger and Athena, Charles-bigarles, and Logey.
It's worth it.
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